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So the mechanic tells the walrus
it looks like youve blown a seal! Walrus says, Oh, no thats just ranch dressing.
Despite the risk of looking (ly) like an idiot, I had to open with a joke because only someone whos curious would click to see the punchline. And curiosity is absolutely essential for what Im going to ask. (See, I draw you in with a terrible joke then I tease you with something strange and probably dirty to keep you reading.)
By now youre probably thinking, "What sort of weirdo is this? Walrus jokes? He must be some awkward loser living in his parents basement. Probably in a bad part of High Point." Actually, no. In addition to being a swell, reasonably attractive guy, Im also tall, sometimes charming, and I never ever- EVER- go around bars or clubs trying out terrible pick-up lines. My biggest fault, though, being a divorced forty-something, is that I have trouble truly getting close to anyone, romantiy. (So I use comedy to lighten things up e how well it works?)
And so, Im not looking for Miss Right. Actually, Im not even looking for "Miss Right Now," just yet. I am, though, searching for someone whos bright, witty, quirky, funny, and whos interested (at least slightly) in watching me masturbate. Oh, and I really like a girl with a nice smile. That should probably come at the top of the list. Or at least second, after that whole "watch me" thing I tried so hastily to gloss over.
By now, virtually everyone who just read that either laughed or made that face that accompanies "Oh my God!." And thats OK. Because Im only interested in making ONE new friend here. Lets face it, if a dozen smiling, quirky women were lining up to watch me polish my knob Id never get any work done. Then I possibly WOULD end up living in my parents basement. And they dont have WiFi.
Now, for that singular, unique snowflake whose interest is actually piqued by such a proposition, let me add two more details. First, I promise not to be dull while cranking it. Im willing to go that extra mile to make it a show worth watching and your input is greatly valued. Toys, technique, anything goes as long as you dont want me to do that choking-yourself-with-a-belt thing. Thats the fastest way to ruin a good belt. Second, I know that any friendship is based on give-and-take, and Im open to indulging you with whatever housewives looking sex tonight SD Rockerville 57701 (within reason) you might want. Perhaps youre strange like me and want an audience of your own doubtful, but OK. Maybe you want a talkative friend to go out for sushi with thats OK too. Physical needs? Sure, Im open. (Please note that I am *not* offering anything financial in exchange. In fact, I might even ask you to pay for your own sushi.)
If this sort of thing intrigues you and I dont see how it possibly couldnt write me back, tell me about yourself, describe yourself, and well talk. I dont bite, Im a professional guy, and youll get the chance to sit down and have coffee with me before deciding if you want to watch a round of self. Thanks for reading!
When the hearing started, I was an ‘observer’, and I didn’t dare say much at all. The judge was MEAN. He really wanted to talk only to my mom, and not the attorney. He irritated the fuck out of me because a) he began by shooting really rapid questions at her and interrupting her answers, and b) he whispered his questions (but not his own cross-questions when she was confused – those he really spoke up) to her, so she couldn’t hear what he was saying. She was nearly crying she was so. I couldn’t help myself and once I respoke the question for her. I to hell I didn’t hurt her case. I also ended up doing my best White impersonation when he was grilling her on the handwarmers she uses – I pulled one out of her bag and pulled it out in case he wanted to it. He also questioned me about whether I spoke to my father (who caused this whole fiasco by changing somehow his SS designation causing my mom to get more money), and made a point of saying that my mom’s and my facial expression changed when he mentioned him. I know he was probably used to less savory characters and he was trying to weed her out as a potential SS abuser, but she's not, and it was horrible to watch (and I'm so glad I was there to give her whatever support I could). Ultimately, the words that the judge said were good for my mom (she was not responsible for the increase in benefits, and didn’t seek them), and she really hadn’t gotten $1, from SS that they said that they gave her (they had discovered their error and admitted that they didn’t give it to her last year), but we’re now waiting another month or two for his decision. We’re just down to trying to prove that she can’t afford to pay back the exhorbitant fees/penalties/money resulting from the "overpayment", and we need to wait for the ruling. We also learned that even if the decision is not in her favor, this is *not* the end of the road for her to protest it, and she’s determined to fight a negative ruling to the bitter end any way she can. Thank everyone who has helped us with good advice and good thoughts through this. I'm sorry for the post, but thought those who have helped (you know who you are, right? :)) would want to know. THANK YOU!
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